So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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