from now on my penis is your penis
No stitches, just platelets and will power
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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