i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
