She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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