...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
