It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
