Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
