It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
