Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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