Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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