She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
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the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN