I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
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he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
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The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂