I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
