the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.