And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
