there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize