She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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