Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hippo gnu deer
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
