just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
