tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
