am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
