He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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