i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You're a waste of cheezeits
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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