So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
