I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
