woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
