So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
