im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
