I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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