I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
