yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
