Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
