Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
