Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
