I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
