never play flip cup with pint glasses
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
