we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Everyone says I win the strip club
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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