if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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