Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
