So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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