She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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