I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
