its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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