Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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