i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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