I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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