You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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