Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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