I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
