Barsexuality is the new black.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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