When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
