If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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