I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
