You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
