We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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