but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Never underestimate the power of titties
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
