you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
