He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
