It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
